Thursday, October 21, 2004

Why did the chicken cross the road?

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it.

The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

To die in the rain. Alone.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

It was a historic inevitability.

What chicken?

To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

I invented the chicken.

And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Did I miss one?

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Teeth and Serial Killers

Well, it has been done. The teeth. They are gone. I had to move my appointment up because Bruce is going to California for work on the 20th. So I had them out yesterday. It seems like ages ago though. I was completely out, I don't remember anything. Well just the doctor talking to me as she drugged me through the IV. Which didn't hurt by the way (the IV). I thought it would. Well it wasn't pleasurable but it definitely wasn't the excruciating pain that I was expecting. And I didn't look at it either because I would have gotten grossed out. But I am actually not in that much pain and I am not very swollen either. I've been icing a lot. So I guess I lucked out. I am still eating only soft food though. No chewing for me. At least not until tomorrow. Probably not for longer because I am a wuss. Let me just say that Hagen Daas Dulce de Leche Caramel ice cream is the bomb. I decided that I should reward myself with some super fattening ice cream since I was so darn brave. :) And I can't work out until Friday, doctor's orders. So needless to say it may be Return of the Gut by the end of this week. Ha ha. Just kidding. It actually fell at a pretty good time for me because I take one solid week off from working out about every three months just to let myself get fully rested and recuperated.

So I was watching this thing on E! Television the other day (please don't judge me, I normally do not watch E! I swear!) and it was about serial killers and the media frenzy. And they were talking about how these serial killers get tons of mail from women while they are in jail because they basically become celebrities from all of the media attention! I couldn't believe it! Like 3 of them that they mentioned got married while they were in jail to women who had sent them letters and stuff! Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you have ever heard in your life? COME ON, LADIES! Are we that desperate?! This chick, I think a cop or something, was saying that the women like them because they know for sure where they are every night! How pathetic is that?! I watched this about a week and a half ago, and I am still in shock. It was a sad, sad night for me the night that I heard this news. Definitely a large step backwards for all of womankind. So if you ever think you are pathetic for dating a loser, as I and the rest of us most certainly have, just remind yourself that at least he wasn't abducting women and brutally murdering them before he met you.