Thursday, December 30, 2004

Hard Liquor

A woman is talking to her girlfriends.

She says, "I named my 3 lovers after soda pop.
My first lover I call 7-up because he's got 7 inches and he can always get up.
My second lover I call Mountain Dew, because when he gets to mountin' me, he knows what to do.
My third lover I call Jack Daniels."

"Jack Daniels isn't a soda" her friends say, " that's -- a hard liquor".

The girl smiles and says, "Uh huh".

Sunday, December 26, 2004

MaryBeth's Birthday

Pictures from MaryBeth's birthday at 1223 in DC! Happy Birthday MaryBeth! If you want to see more, email me. There are many many more where these came from! : ) Posted by Hello
Kai, MaryBeth and I, a few shots later.... : ) Posted by Hello
Chris, Kai and Bruce... boys acting silly! Posted by Hello
MaryBeth and Brian Posted by Hello
MaryBeth and I : ) Posted by Hello

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Your New Name

This only takes a minute and it's fun. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose... When I did this for myself, my family and my friends, I was laughing hysterically.

Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

My name is Boobie Chickenbutt. Comment your name to me! : )

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tootie
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

3. Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Twisted

First, I want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sweet sister!

Remember that song, from so long ago, Twisted by Keith Sweat? Dorothy just burned me some CDs and I LOVE THIS SONG so much. Thanks, Dorothy! I love you!

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?id=1345099&skuId=6206358&type=product

You know you want my lovin' (You know you want my lovin' baby)
Got me twisted over you (Girl, you got me twisted over you)
I know I got what you need (I got what you need right here baby)
So what you wanna do?

Baby, baby I know
Baby I love you so
But you don't feel like I do
Tell me what can I do?

But I gotta be strong (But I gotta be strong)
You did me wrong (Girl, you did me wrong)
When I thought we were really down (I thought we were down)
So you say you want me (Now you say you want me, girl)
Make up your mind (Oooh make up your mind)
Cuz I'm not gonna be here for long (I'm not gonna be here for long)

You know you want my lovin' (You know you want my lovin' baby)
Got me twisted over you (Girl, you got me twisted over you)
I know I got what you need (I got what you need right here baby)
So what you wanna do?

Baby, baby in time (Baby in time)
Baby I know you'll find (I know you'll find)
That what you needed was here (Oh no, no, no, no, no)
Think about it, my dear

But I gotta be strong (But I gotta be strong)
You did me wrong (Girl, you did me wrong)
When I thought we were really down (I thought we were down)
So you say you want me (Now you say you want me, girl)
Make up your mind (Oooh make up your mind)
Cuz I'm not gonna be here for long (I'm not gonna be here for long)

You know you want my lovin' (You know you want my lovin' baby)
Got me twisted over you (Girl, you got me twisted baby)
I know I got what you need (I got everything you need tonight)
So what you wanna do? (Bring it on down)

(Rap)
You got me twisted, thinkin' about the way that things used to be
When it was you and me, girl I was so free
See, you had my heart from the start, like Cupid
And I was just down right foolish, and stupid
But now I know the reason for the pain and the headaches
You left me all alone, now I can't even concentrate
I guess I'll wait for the day until you come back
Because my heart is where your love is at
You got me twisted

You know you want my lovin' (You know you want my lovin' baby)
Got me twisted over you (Girl, you got me twisted baby)
I know I got what you need (I got everything you need tonight)
So what you wanna do? (What are you gonna do baby?)

You know you want my lovin' (You know, I can make you feel real good if you let me baby)
Got me twisted over you (Girl, you got me twisted baby)
I know I got what you need (I got everything you need tonight)
So what you wanna do? (What are you gonna do baby?)

You know you want my lovin' (You know, you know you want my lovin' baby)
Got me twisted over you (Girl, you got me twisted baby)
I know I got what you need (I got everything your body needs)
So what you wanna do? (What are you gonna do baby?)

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Freaky Deaky

For some reason, I get so mixed up when I work day shift on Sunday. I checked for the mail twice today. Then I went to the gym at 6:15, and it closes at 6 on Sundays. I just had to laugh at myself. Plus it was snowing and I don't really care much for snow. It must have been pretty comical to the people driving by to see me running up to Bally's door like a bat out of hell, and it being locked. Everyone says that I should be used to it because I am from Michigan. Well, 23 years and some odd months has not conditioned me to like cold weather in any way. I would be fine if I saw snow on Christmas only. I'm more of a tropical kind of girl. Give me a beach!

Today I started seriously packing for the big move on the 31st. Yes, that is the sad, sad truth. I have to move on New Year's Eve. This is not at all unusual for me because something really dumb always happens to me on New Year's Eve that causes it to suck. I try so hard every year to have a normal evening but it never works.! Last year we had just moved here, went to a party where we didn't really know anyone, and I stepped in dog poop on my way in. It was wonderful. "Hi, I've never met you but is it okay if I walk all over your house with dog poop on my shoe? Thanks!" SO in order to possibly avoid having another SUCKY New Year's Eve, I think we might get the moving truck the day before and load it up so all we have to do on Friday is unload it in the morning. Either way, it should be tons and tons of fun. Because, you know, moving is the most super fun awesome thing you can ever do with your time. Especially in December! Our apartment is going to be pretty sweet though! : ) Packing is going okay, I suppose. Actually, I pretty much suck at it but hey whatever works. They stuff is making it into boxes. I am not moving that far away. I feel like the boxes are too heavy. But honestly, I am wondering if there is any way around it. And, big surprise, my cats are driving me completely insane because they keep trying to destroy whatever it is I am packing, and they keep getting in the boxes as I am putting things in them. I keep having to take them out over and over. This is not making things any more enjoyable. I am so sorry to say this, but the day that Zach ate my thong was just the last straw with the cats. I need a vacation.

I just finished reading Freaky Deaky. It caught my eye because Mike and I used to always say that when we were silly sixteen year olds working at Burger King. Then, I saw that the author, whom also wrote Get Shorty, was from Bloomfield Hills, MI. I get excited about weird things, what can I say. The setting of the book was actually in Detroit and the characters had gone to U of M and were hippies during Vietnam. So I knew a lot of the places that they were talking about throughout the book. The style of writing was completely different than anything that I have ever read; it was actually pretty good. It kept my attention, that's for sure. Not many things have been keeping my attention lately because I have been running around like a psycho hose beast getting ready to move and stressing out about it. Plus it is nice to read something a little strange now and then to mix it up a little. Also, I saw Ocean's Twelve last weekend. I thought it was really good. Now, I am not one to jump on the band wagon with all the women that swoon over Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Matt Damon, but they all looked....yummy.... in this movie. I wouldn't throw them out of bed. ; ) It was a good movie for the ladies, because of the eye candy. It was a good movie for the boys, because things blow up. And it was good for both because it was funny. I give it two thumbs up. Today my friend from work, Sabrina, let me borrow I, Robot specifically so I can see Will Smith naked. So that one should be good too! AND Dumb and Dumber was on today! It was edited like crazy, but it was still so funny. I miss watching it with Lindsay! It was our movie! I got robbed by a little old lady on a motorized cart! And I didn't even see it coming!

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Kiss My Tiara

Excerpt from Kiss My Tiara: How to Rule the World as a Smartmouth Goddess:

First and foremost, remember: The twenties basically suck. Lots of people will tell you that the twenties are the best years of your life. Do not believe them. They are either sadist or morons. The early twenties can be a real shocker, especially if you've been in school all your life. All the prescriptive ground rules of high school and college that everyone spent years bitching about are suddenly gone, leaving you in free-fall. Suddenly, just when you're legally old enough to drink, you have to pay rent and taxes. Student loans come due. You're no longer surrounded by cohorts who are happy to stay up until 4:00 A.M. discussing Alice Walker and drinking Jell-O shots. The Big Three L's of adulthood-labor, love, and location-loom as a giant question mark.

If you're gay, you've got to deal with whether to come out to a whole new set of questionably intelligent and questionably progressive people. If you're straight, suddenly everyone's trying to fix you up with their dumb-ass nephew and telling you that if you don't hurry up and settle down, you'll be bitter and lonely by the time you're thirty.

In the middle of all this, you're expected to map out your future.

Is it any wonder that people in their twenties often have nervous breakdowns, develop hypochondria, get married too young to the wrong people, or voluntarily apply for interminable Ph.D. programs?

Look, since your twenties are basically going to be chaos anyway, do as my grandma said to do: Take advantage of them and use the time to get some real life experiences. Travel, if you can. Try a new city. Suffer through a bunch of humiliating entry-level positions in the name of "comparison shopping."

Now is the time when you can afford to experiment. For never again will you think it's kind of groovy to share an apartment with two other girls in the meat-packing district and eat dinner every night at bars that serve free ravioli and nachos during happy hour.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

A funny picture of my best friends and I. From left: Jackie, Lindsay, Missy, and Chrissy. Posted by Hello

Ode to my best friends

Well, I have been posting a lot lately because I know that potentially I will be without a computer in the not too distant future. And I am bored. I am off work today for a two day break! It's nice. Last night was like my Saturday so I went out to the bar with some friends from work and had some fun. A little too much fun probably. I didn't want to spend that much money. But hey, that's what money is for, right? Spending! Good thing I am so good at it! :) So, the purpose of this post is to create an ode to all the funny inside jokes between yours truly and my dear, sweet best friends from Michigan. Specifically Lindsay, Jackie, and Chrissy. I miss them so much! This all came about because I was reading some old emails and they were so hilarious I was laughing until there were tears running down my cheeks. So, if you are not one of them, you will probably just read this post and then realize that I am, in fact, completely insane. I would also like to say that there will be another post out soon pertaining to my sweet sister. Without further adieu.....

I'll put a cap in your ass
Barf
Bangs
Who let the dogs out?
I'm about to get butt nasty weird
Toto and The ABI
CISOYF?
CIUYTAEM?
Somebody let the dogs out around us, because we keep going out with them!
Dry gums
Get OUUUUUUUUUTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop looking at my roots
I'll dot your eye
If my phone answers, ring it
I have Chinese people
I'm bye
Breath, Breathe
Italian Bowling, modeling for Spaghettios
Upside down trees and deodorant
Eating dinner
eickaJ and yssiM
Elephant Shoe
Slow does not mean slow
Do you want me to stab you? YEAHHH!
Is that a dog?
Who is number 11?
His penis smells like my lotion
Homo love
Slap my ass and call me psycho!
Whatthefuckever
Where you from? Who you with?
Ignition, guys yelling in our face
Driving with our teeth
Gumpy Eating
My cavalier
Open lunch at SAHS
Dumb and Dumber
SNL
You are one pathetic loser! No offense!
He's so oooooollllld!

Please comment to me if you have something to add! I miss you guys and I love you!

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

The Angel

For all you "Scrooges" out there! Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.